Constipation Or The Alternative.

Here is the official long post warning. This will be long. Normally I try to keep my entries to a few paragraphs. Something substantial, but not rambling. Not the case this time. On top of that, a lot of it will be intentional cryptic.

Grace called me on Friday. She has a tendency to call just as I'm leaving work so I end up staying there an hour or two longer than normal. I'm not complaining though, I enjoy our conversations greatly. Plus, more often than not I have nothing else to do. I look forward to her return the Bay Area. But during Friday's conversation somehow the topic of my Stanford rejection letter was brought up. I actually still have it.

This led me to think that I am actually a very bitter person. So, why did I keep it? Somewhere deep down inside I want to have it as proof for something later. Like, if I ever achieve something great I feel like I want to rub it into their face. Yes, I am bitter.

I think this attitude applies to a lot of things in my life. Yes, that thing too. Not towards a specific girl, but just the ideal of a couple.

I also have a lot of my job rejection letters too. Those are on file. Speaking of which, I have begun my slow and successfulness yet to be determined trip back into the world of actuarial sciences. I picked up some books and am slowly preparing to take the next exam. I realize I am so far out of that routine that it's going to take a lot of work.

I have a couple of short term plans regarding my future. This is one of them. If it works out, moving to the city will also be on that list.

There is something about singing that makes me feel better. I think it's like getting an emotion, even if it's not the one you want, out of your system. Last Friday seems like such a long time ago, but since then I have gone singing five times. I miss the days of going more regularly.

Sometimes I like being an outsider. You really get to see things from a step back when you are the outsider.

There are times when I think I am not that far gone. One time this past week I found myself in a room with all these people dropping ecstasy. Oddly enough, it didn't occur to me to try it. I sat in this room eating chips and drinking water. It makes me think maybe there is still hope inside of me.

I wish I could be who she sees me to be.

Be warned, the following is not a cry for help. I would never seriously consider this an option, but I just found it odd that thought came to my head. I was at the orange parking structure in Berkeley today. I don't know why, but one of the first things I thought of was how easily it would be to commit suicide from that structure. There are almost no guard rails. I mean, there is stuff for cars to not fall out. But any idiot with half a brain could figure out how to walk around them.

But don't worry. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do. If there is anything I am not in this world right now, it's selfish.

One of the biggest things I miss is having her as a driving buddy. Long drives are not the same. Yet, I still enjoy them. Today on the way back I just blared my music and sang at the top of my lungs. I ended up singing the same song over and over. I think it jives with me right now.

Wake me up when September ends please.

She and her are not the same in case you are wondering.

I think I know where this turtle thing came from. I used to have a old aim screen name that involved a turtle. It was because there was a ceramic turtle outside my house. But I think subconsciously I liked turtles. I mean, I do have a pet turtle right now. I think I like animals with highly developed defense systems. I relate to them or something. I thought about getting a pet porcupine, but those things are big and kind of not that cute. So I thought maybe a hedgehog. But we'll see, I'll take care of the turtle first.

Plus, I'm suppose to get a dog if I want to attract them ladies. They can't resist the dog.

Speaking of pets, I thought about changing my turtle's name. Right now her name is Theo. But that's a guys name. So I was thinking of Thea. Ironically, I once knew a girl named that. It was either that or Mock. Yes, Mock. Go read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland in case you are wondering.

So this is the alternative, not constipation. I'm having thought diarrhea.

I am actually pretty afraid of ending alone in life. I do not let a lot of people in. I thought I had found the only one I needed, but that is no more. I'm not so afraid of having to do things alone. But I feel like I need somebody who I can not hold back from on a regular basis. Like share all these thoughts about the world we live in and life in general. Yes, queue Somebody by Depeche Mode.

I really do feel that way though. Perhaps there is potential in this world after all.

Maybe we never wanted the same things to begin with.

What do you think a soul mate is? Do I believe in this concept of a soul mate? Besides the fact it is a bit of a tired term, I think I love what is represents. It's what I want to find. I don't know if that means I believe in it though.

I'm not going to deny that she is someone I have feelings for, but I know because of what happened with her I am not ready for anything.

Recently I have decided to stop running from my past. A lot of closed gates I tried opening, even if there was no point. I'm actually having lunch with her tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish someone knew all the details about my life. If you look at a lot of my past entries, there are a lot of random phrases that seem to make some sense, but perhaps sound a bit funny. Ever wonder why? There are meanings hidden in them. But I don't think anyone can pick up on them.

I still want to go to Napa.

I told you this would make no sense and it would be long. Long entries never get comments usually. I wonder how this will work out.

Carrying someones dead weight up three flights of stairs, down again, then up another three is not exactly a lot of fun. But as long as everyone was safe. It was definitely an adventure, and we have them so we can share the stories later on.