Coping.

So much to say, no where to start. I guess this is my first real post in a while.

First off, it's over. I think the realization of it finally hit me today. Or actually last night. Funny how it is easier to see things clearly when you can't see anything clearly at all. Long story. But at the end of the night, I was standing outside a pub having and awkward conversation with this girl. Prior to the awkwardness, it really hit me. It's over, the end.

My life the last few days has been a pretty slippery slope of chaos. I think part of me has always been a destructive person. It has been in full force for a bit now. I'm starting to compartmentalize. I think it's a challenge for me. I dig myself into a deep hole, and then try and get myself out. Even when I know I should stop digging my hole, I don't. I want to see how deep I can get it.

Funny how it is never too deep. With help, I always manage to get out of it. There is always hope.

I feel this is an opportunity for me to become who I want to be. It's a chance for me to find out what I want in life. Just sometimes the pain is too much for me to bear. And therein lies the problem. I want to bear it all myself. I need to learn to let go.

I've always been bad at letting go. I remember when I was managing the arcade, I had the hardest time delegating jobs. Not quite the same situation, but same principle applies. I cannot be in control of everything. Funny how it takes getting drunk for you to realize this.

On top of that, this situation has shown me how much I let pass by. Economics is the study of scarcity. How we manage our limited resources. I fail. Memento mori, carpe diem.

I wish church was closer. I wish I had kept in touch. So many wishes. But at the end of it all, there is still hope.