Am I a late bloomer? What does it even mean to bloom? I think this is probably mostly some wine talking, but I feel like I was never given a chance to be who I could be.
While the past is past, it's water under the metaphorical bridge, I can't help compare what my station was to what it is now. Maybe that is normal. How do you gauge how you are doing unless you have a reference point.
I don't think I have been this open in a while. But I c'est la vie. I once wrote that my experience with Katherine made me, taught me, or even forced me to be a better boyfriend. I still stand by that statement. Yet sometimes I feel that the experience also limited me in some ways.
It's no secret, at that time I was crazy about her. Girls reading this will never understand, but the first time a guy seriously falls for a girl it's over. That first time is the most unconditional it will ever be. It's that concept of a teenage love affair, but not really teenage. But inexperience always kicks us in the crotch.
I digress. I really don't know where I'm going with this entry.
I think a part of me is still so hurt about what happen. I think some of it is just thinking about my life the last few years. I think most of it is wondering where I will be.
Funny thoughts, but I've come to this realization about that one. I hope this is a happily ever after for her. I think up to now I always thought I would be happier if it failed. But I think if it did, it would make me feel worse. Aside of unselfishly, I guess I don't want to think I was tossed aside for just another. Right, so inflated sense of self.
Don't me wrong, I am not longing for old days or a time machine. I think it was just, up until the last days on the last go around, I was so sure where I stood. Or, as sure as any guy can be. Maybe that whole ordeal has placed doubt in my mind, but I find myself lacking that same sense of certainty. Or it could just be a subconscious self defense mechanism.
Anyways, it's late. And for the record, I created a new character. Level 8 Tauran Druid.
2 comments:
I try not to think about it too much but my heart still aches when I think about her too. I still don't know what really happened. All of a sudden, everytime I got in touch with her, I felt like I was bothering or annoying her and I didn't like feeling that way.
Anyway, it sucks when something totally catches you off guard...
i found myself thinking about that whole relationship recently and trying to recall how it all went down and how long ago that was. I imagine if i lived in the past like that for even a brief moment it's probably infinintly more impactful to you. Alas, I'll always be there for you bro.
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