I think I have trust issues. Stemming from obvious things that happened in my life. But it really sucks because that is not me. I really want to be able to trust as much as I did before, but there is some part of me that can't. In my mind I always run these horrid scenarios of things happening again because I trusted too much. It's terrible.
So this begs the question did I run into this too fast? Was it a bit premature? Well, to be honest I don't think it matters. There is no going back. And even if I could, I wouldn't want. I've found this happiness that constantly amazes me.
It's just those damn moments where I feel not important enough that irritate me. At least I can still say I want to sacrifice, I hope.
So I'm not one to censor much, I use names openly when I want to. So here goes. This Sunday Pastor Joe announced there might be a possibility he will leave. My initial reaction was shock and irony. More on that later. But then I felt kind of disappointed.
It is always hard to leave. People left behind always toss it off like it was the easiest decision in the world. That's not fair. I truly believe this is something that they have and are still wrestling with. And even if they leave, I know the decision does not come easily. I really hope all the best. There is even an additional bit of respect because like I said, it is hard to walk away and take the actions needed for a better future.
With that semi disclaimer said, I feel disappointed because I had faith. One, among the handful, of the reasons I stuck around so long after graduation and my not legal divorce was because I had faith in Pastor Joe and the vision set out for the ministry.
I don't know if it's common knowledge, but there were many times presented where I could have easily left. Logistically I should have, but I still stuck around. So, given the news I feel somewhat disappointed.
Now about the irony, it's funny because of what I mentioned to him earlier that day.
I haven't mentioned it much because I'm still in denial and hoping it won't happen. I had no idea about Joe's situation, but that morning I mentioned that I might be moving. Company may be moving, and if it does I may move too. Nothing is decided yet, but it may happen.
It's actually been on my mind quite a bit. A lot of things still need to fall into place, or out of place, depending on how you look at it.
Not to sound arrogant, but I worry for the church. I mean, I've dropped off of the radar in the last few months, but still. I don't want to see people start fizzling out. I still believe the vision of the ministry, and I think it has a very important place. There are living breathing examples of this that come out pretty regularly.
So it's a lot to digest. Remember, chew slowly.
6 comments:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HCuaQCr0hws
Not to sound accusing or arrogant in anyway, but perhaps you should put trust elsewhere? Not in people. They let you down. We only try to be the best we can and try to be the most trust-worthy people we can.. but all people have limitations, and people have different callings in life too.
You sound pensive.
hey! remember that song we used to sing repeatedly as kids during musical practice at canaan?
do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God.
dunno, just rattled it out - all those hours after lunch leave us affected.. hahahhaha
hope you're well, see you soon.
i feel like this is the most self-sufficient post you've ever written...all the details that need to be there are there...so thanks.
It's definently a shame that he won't be there to see the ministry through, but I don't the vision of ministry supercedes any member of the congregation or pastor or anyone else, the body itself can still be significant in determining the direction.
In terms of trust, yeah that's a hard pill to swallow once it's taken away i heard....the way i see it, it's easier just to trust again then to beat yourself up about being careful not to get burned. In the end, we'll be alrite.
Dude, don't move away. I won't be able to take it. =) I guess that's one bad thing about settling down in one location, eventually all of your friends move away.
But Ming is right. Just because Pjoe is moving doesn't mean that we can't carry the torch. RBC needs you man.
man, Jin is right... but that all up 2 u man... even i left b/c there was no youth group bac than but now i am bac... geez... it will b hard... to move on...man, will i miss u helping out alot, etc...
even Ming, listen at least to them
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