Nearness Of You.

So I just finished cooking for myself again. This time it was chilean sea bass. I must say, I prefer the alaskan halibut over this. Maybe the problem was in my technique. Either way, I had a bit too much wine with my meal so pardon if this entry is a bit loopy.

While eating I got to thinking to myself about my first time cooking for Katherine. In all honestly, I cannot remember the exact situation. I remember certain situations where I would cook for her. For instance the one time I made pork and preserved egg porridge for her. I remember rushing out as soon as I could Friday afternoon and then getting stuck in traffic on my way to Ranch 99.

This memory got me thinking that I will forever be haunted by like memories. Will it really forever be like this?

I truly believe that is what makes it hard to be friends with her. When I see her, as much as I push it down, those memories are still there. And what sucks is that when we do meet, it's so normal. I have no delusions. Her and I are very different people and this whole situation highlighted it. But even so, I feel like there is this clicking when we interact. I dunno, maybe it's just me. When I make her laugh, it's almost as if everything that has happened is forgotten.

A part of me wants to have hope for this one. Yet every other part of me, and everyone around me just asks me what the hell are you thinking? In any sober state, I really do believe it is too far gone.

End post.